I’m going to be real honest. I’m a loser as an NFL football fan. My fandom (fanship?) is a curse that has destroyed many football careers. We’ve never really tested the effect my cheering can have on an entire team (except for the 2002 Raiders, maybe, but that’s another time and another post), but I don’t really have a team. I can’t commit. So you may be asking how I can enjoy watching football if I am not deeply emotionally attached to a team. The answer can be found in this post. It’s my seriously scientific method for making football watching more enjoyable, and now it is my gift to the world. (Small disclaimer: DO NOT use my methods for betting. I’m not that scientific, and I’ve already told you I’m a curse.) So here it is. Use it wisely.
Jamie’s Easy Selection Method For Choosing a Team When You’re Not Otherwise Obligated to Another Team:
1. For obvious reasons, cheer for the team of loved ones with whom you are watching. Unless it violates Rule #2.
2. Always cheer against Dallas…and usually Denver…and sometimes Green Bay…but ALWAYS Dallas. The Cowboys Empire is of the Devil, and you’ll never convince me otherwise. That much money combined with an owner that powerful and fans that mouthy is too much for me to handle. I am not extraordinarily vocal about this aversion, and I myself was a Troy Aikman fan in the early 90’s, but I’m blaming that on youthful foolishness and an impressionable mind. Dallas is a deal breaker with Rule #1 and all other rules. Denver and Green Bay are thrown in on occasion simply because I find their fans to be particularly abrasive, but I have cheered for them before, and it could happen again. It all depends on the other rules….and if they’re playing Dallas.
3. Cheer for a bird team. Maybe a little superstitious, but it’s a good rule. Of course, if two bird teams play each other, you have to fall back on another rule. You can maybe see that we’re getting a little less methodical with our choosing methods here, but it’s all in the name of a fun viewing experience.
4. Cheer for the southern-most team. This rule won’t work if you have no ties to the south. But there’s something about American football that seems so uniquely southern, therefore it’s a good rule to break out should you find yourself needing an explanation. However, I’m about to get even more farfetched…..
5. Cheer for the team with the cuter quarterback. My brother and husband substitute this rule with “Cheer for the team with the team with cuter cheerleaders.” Whatever works. And if I’m being truthful, in the case of the Harbaugh brothers, I’ve cheered for the team with the cuter coach.
6. Cheer for a Manning. They’re football royalty. They make the cutest “Help me Dad; I’m confused” faces on the sidelines. And while I realize that cheering for Payton currently violates Rule #2, cheering for Eli goes hand in hand with Rule #5.
7. Cheer for the team with the most SEC players. This is a lengthy and complicated googling project, so let’s hope one of the above rules has worked before you get down to this one.
8. If nothing above has worked for you, and you still want to feel involved, cheer for the team that the commentators didn’t pick. Because I’m a jerk like that.
There you have it, just in time for the next few weeks of super-intense football games, a fool proof way to stay cheering. May the odds be ever in your favor!
Post publication addendum To combat the terribly misconstrued implication that this post leans toward my being a (gasp) bandwagon fan, or that I’m encouraging others to be: The steps are meant only as a fallback plan for those who have no loyalty to either team involved. Furthermore, the purpose of the rules is only to allow the nonattached viewer a more pleasurable experience for that individual game. The rules should not be referenced for selecting a team to follow repeatedly, as they change from match-up to match-up.