I’m pretty sure I’ve had about all I can handle lately. It’s hard enough with Joe being gone, but this week my parents are gone too. I’m lonely AND literally alone. It’s not that I can’t handle my kids by myself; it’s more that mom and dad’s trip came when I’m at my wits’ end after Joe being gone 8+ months. We’ve had a fairly relaxing summer so far, so keeping the routine has been okay. Today just seemed to not be my day. It was like a series of things, out of my control, forced me to focus on what was wrong with this week.
We were almost late for swimming lessons because we were behind an old man who was driving FAR below the speed limit. At swimming lessons, the kids refused to do what they were asked, and Talan even caused a scene on the slide. This forced me into the dreaded role of “bad parent” where I have to punish and threaten and explain why they’re wrong. Next, I was able to be productive and get some errands run before a little bit of pool time. While at the pool, I had to discipline each child an average of three times– not exactly relaxing. We left to come home. I had just enough time to make a quick supper before Lowe’s called about the flooring. At some point during our 30 minute conversation, I decided that this guy was completely clueless and I had better go retrieve our flooring before they sold it to someone else. This meant I had to accomplish the tedious task of switching all our things into Joe’s truck and driving to Conway before the kids had the chance to kill each other. Once we arrived, no one there seemed to know what flooring I was referring to, and so began the wild goose chase that ended with my children in time out at customer service and me angrily talking to Joe on the phone. (By the way, during this rant, he decided to tell me his return has been pushed back AGAIN!!) So I get the flooring (after an hour), buy some gas (which is depressing in itself), and head home. The ride home proved interesting as the boxes of tile kept falling off the pallet. I hope they aren’t broken. I also, in the midst of all this chaos, managed to get my feelings hurt several times by people who I would not expect to treat me in such a way.
I realize that nothing in the above paragraph is extraordinarily terrible. But combine with how badly I miss Joe and how badly I need some sort of friendship and help while he’s gone and it just compounds things. Days like today make me realize how little people who “love” me have done to make sure I’m okay while Joe’s gone. Days like today make me feel like I don’t have nearly as many friends as I like to think I have. They make me feel like I could never live independently because I do need so much help and that I could never raise these kids alone because I’d pull my hair out.
Basically, my evening is one huge pity party, and I hate that. As someone who has made it her goal lately to focus on JOY, I do not feel JOYFUL. I know that it is normal not to FEEL joy, but that doesn’t mean it’s gone. That just means I have to CHOOSE to focus on the joy in my life. Which is sometimes hard. But not impossible. With God, all things are possible — including me surviving the rest of Joe’s being gone, not having much help, raising these rowdy kids, and having hurt feelings. There is still beauty around me — in fact, there’s a whole truckload of beautiful tile in my driveway — and I’m going to find it! Right now it’s looking like playing wii with the kids, enjoying something cold to drink, maybe a long bubble bath, and praying for a better day tomorrow. Here’s hoping!